http://www.momsclub.org/ - Mom's Club to support stay-at-home Moms. It has chapters in many places.

 http://www.momspotomac.org/ - Mom's Club of Potomac, MD, has excellent links of places to take the children, and a "Mom to Mom" section where Mommy tips are shared.

TheEnterprisingMoms@yahoogroups.com - excellent resource for the Washington DC area about how to start a business, and referrals for accountants, web site hosting, graphic design and more.

 

 

 

1) The Priority Relationship in My Life - The Relationship with Myself

2) Mothers - The Endless Workers

3) The Far Reaching Role of Mother

4) Mommy Salaries

5) That Important Shiny Stuff

6) Perfection, Happiness & Good Enough

7) Lessons from Snow

8) Bad Moms - There is Hope

 

 

Looking back at my life, it has been such a joyous and colorful spectrum.

 

 When I was really young, I thought growing up was about marriage and being a Mommy. I really did not understand why I had to go to boring old school when dance and play was so much more fun. I remember my mother pleading with me, “At least finish your high school!”

 

Then somewhere, the desire to do well (perhaps it was fear of failure), kicked in. The result was tremendous success in studies and career. A work alcoholic lifestyle followed – working hard and playing hard. Selling a company. An earn out. And burn out.

 

The next few years were spent remaking myself … into what … I wondered, as I went through ups and downs. It took me over 3 years to detoxify …

 

Today, I can look back at the richness of it all, from a few toddler memories to what I am today, and I marvel at how much has happened and how much I have changed. It seems almost like multiple lifetimes that were squashed together in this most unimaginable way. How can I possibly explain this all to my 3 children, aged 10, 9 and 3, even though I would so like to? Is this the wisdom that older generations want to impart to us but we do not always listen?

 

As I sit with them and read a book or make up crazy stories in which the 3-year old interrupts and the other two gladly add their ideas, I feel the richness of what I have. Yet, sometimes one memory comes up. It is a strange one …

 

At the peak of my career, when hours were long, money was fantastic, staff were many and it was fairly common for me to be working on presentations at midnight, my mother presented me with a book. I took it in my hand and turned it over. One look at the title made me furious. It said in bold:  “Take Time for Your Life” by Cheryl Richardson.

 

How could someone give me that? My life was so full. I was so successful. What was this about?!! How could she ...?!!!!

 

I tossed the book away until a chance meeting with a friend brought it to mind. I bumped into her at school. It was one of those visits when my daughter had forgotten her lunch box at home and I was nipping over to give it to her.

 

My friend had just come back from a trip to her home country. She was glowing! While chatting, she smiled her delightful smile (with 4 kids in tow) and spoke about how she had caught up with old friends and it was so wonderful! The downside was that she had realized how much she had changed. “I realized how much of myself I had lost,” she said with a sigh.

 

These words sank deep into me. They resonated in a way that hurt. Finally, it made sense … For many months I had been going through periodic bouts of being unfulfilled. Why? I had a lovely family and it would take wild horses to drag me back to my stressful public relations career. So what was missing?

 

I had lost my identity. That is what my mother was trying to warn me about when she gave me that book!!!

 

I realized that from being largely “all about the superficial me” when I was working, I had flipped into the opposite of “all about you”. Family demands had engulfed me. My memory was no longer that sharp. Once the kids were home from school I never knew what would come up from their side. I was watching them, helping them and planning for them. It was an endless cycle with its joys as well as loss of personal self in their infinite demands, needs … and my hopes and expectations for them and from them … which demanded more and more of me. It was a cycle with no end. I spoke to mothers with older kids. One of them sagely advised me, “You know we think that when children are young they need us the most but my children are in High School and now they need me more than ever before.”

 

What about me? What about my growth? What about the “larger” me that demanded fulfillment? How could I even have such selfish ideas when my kids needed me so much? (Yes, it was the good-old-Mommy-guilt!) So what was the solution? Be taken (largely!) for granted at home? Or to work even though one of them was so small? Perhaps they did not need me that much after all … and really it was not appreciated that much.

 

To my delight, surprise and dismay, when I asked one of my daughters what she wanted to be when she grew up, she said she wanted to be “a Mommy like you.”

 

Like a dutiful mother, I endeavored to get her to add an “earning career” to this loft goal that I was living out daily in front of her!! Surely, this talented young girl was capable of giving so much more to the world and I wanted her to want that too!! Yet, it meant that  I was doing something right. Something very right - for them and partly me. As I pondered the wonderful compliment she had unknowingly given me, the other part of me that demanded fulfillment raised its head. I was torn. Was I willing to pay the price tag personal fulfillment seemed to carry?

 

During this time, I had done numerous self help and healing courses, tried meditation of various types and was still searching for something that I could do “on the fly” to help balance me and my life.

 

This is when the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) appeared before me. It sounded pretty batty! But when my Bethesda-based  naturopath  of Asian origin  introduced this developed-in-the-US technique to my family (aren’t we a wonderful amalgam of people, knowledge and creativity here?!),  I found the results simply amazing.  A true mix of Eastern & Western wisdom, it resonated closely with me. Since then, I have used this technique, to look at my beliefs and change them – almost effortlessly. Based on acupressure, when I do it, my emotional conflicts simply disappear and I reach a state of peace and clarity. Strangely, the outside world also started mirroring my new beliefs more and more. New opportunities seemed to present themselves in a way that balanced work and home. More importantly, I found  greater and greater self-love and self- appreciation within myself - which was so critical as I went  through the daily grind! If you wish to learn more about it, go to www.emofree.com and download the instruction manual for free. They also have many case studies that pop by the dozen when you key in the area you are interested in. 

Between all the things I’ve tried, whether yoga, attending parenting classes (I did PEP http://www.parentencouragement.org/), meditation and off-the-road techniques such as EFT, today,  I am much more comfortable with the competing demands, paying a nanny to make time for myself, and doing things for others but realizing that the priority is my relationship with myself. Yes, I love my husband and kids but the most important person in my life is me! What a revelation! And how thrilling to have a way to quickly sort my mixed feelings into a state of clarity!

 

So have I “arrived”? Do I care less about my family since I am No. 1 in my life?

 

I wonder … does one ever arrive? I know I’m in a much better place than before. My actions for my family also come from a greater perspective (often at any rate …but not always)! And the love and joy that I had to share, has increased. I am happier too and that shows.

 

Earlier I had tools to take care of others. Now,  I have so many tools and techniques that help me take care of me. Yet, the journey continues. Now, it truly feels like a process of flowering. Even when I have my lows, I know that the lows are a choice. The power is in my hands to change myself within and without. So am I willing to take those steps?  Change is constant. Self-renewal is not a choice but a necessity to be able to stay in balance and self-love. When I lost touch with this reality (strange … that this was not a compulsory subject in school!), my world was less kind and loving – and I was too.

 

Today, in all truth I can say, I really like myself!! All of me!!! And I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this wonder lasts – forever.

 

 

 

So here I was, in one of my off-beat healing classes, learning about Chinese meridians and how they are used in a technique developed in the US, called Touch for Health. Pondering at the way East and West are quietly coming together in so many ways, I heard my teacher say, “The Yin (female) organs are the ones that work all the time such as the heart and the lungs. The Yang (male) organs are the ones that work and stop and work and stop such as the stomach.” My mouth almost fell open! What, you mean 24/7 jobs, by definition are female – even at the level of organs?!!!

 

So here I sit, typing this article while my kids (who are thankfully a bit older now … the youngest is three), are eating breakfast. Hmmmm … when they first started talking about night and day availability of services due to computer advancements, did they get their inspiration from mothers?!! Probably not but we, the Moms, started doing that long before computers did. I remember being up most of the night because one of my daughters would only calm down when she had fever if she was picked up and walked. The other had febrile seizures where her temperature would rise by up to a degree in 10 minutes or less and she would go into a seizure at 102.5. Doesn’t give much room for relaxation or chance … does it?

 

I also remember our brilliant drive around New Zealand where my middle daughter kept throwing up all the way. I somehow don’t remember too much of the scenery … but I do remember getting into a gas station and getting an air freshener to make the rented car (we were stuck with it for a few hundred miles), more amenable to sentient life. And my clothes … the less said the better. Did someone call that a relaxing holiday?

 

There is no doubt - I work harder during holidays than during normal school time. Entertaining children and keeping them out of fights is hard work! So who is on holiday?  I know I am on more-on-holiday when the kids are at school!

 

True, the change of venue in a traditional holiday is nice. And if we get everyone on the beach, everyone is happy. In museums, historical sites … I am happy. However the kids are not … and I can manage my unhappiness better than theirs. So we went to Cancun, Mexico, and saw the world famous ruins of the city of Tulum. I loved hearing how advanced that culture was, how they could precisely tell time and the seasons …. This had to be heaven. My brain cells were getting some food!

 

However, my daughters were soooooo unhappy with the long ride and the lack of “interesting” things that we did not go to the “must see attraction” – the Mayan Temple-city of Chichen Itza. The ride to it was so long that it seemed easier to miss it rather than manage unhappy kids for that length of time. So we were at the hotel beach … and the hotel pool … and then the hotel beach … and then the hotel pool … ad infinitum. My children remember the beach and pool fondly … and I remember that lovely warm ocean and blue pool water … as well as think of going back to see Chichen Itza.

 

Through this all … when my daughter was throwing up in scenic New Zealand, I was feeling guilty about how miserable she was on the long drive. While my daughters complained on the ride to Tulum, I felt guilty that I was taking them on this not-kids-friendly place. And when my daughter was up at night with fever, I felt like a really bad mother who could not find a cure to get her better in a jiffy. I was simply inadequate … incomplete … not bright … helpless …a rotten mother.

 

So here is the bizarre realization … through the sleepless nights, the dirty clothes so that I could soothe my daughter who was car sick … and so on …I still felt like I was not doing enough.

 

Jeepers! Not doing enough? Isn’t staying up most of the night enough? Isn’t putting your own physical state on the backburner to take care of your child enough? Isn’t letting go of what you like to accommodate what makes your child happy enough?

 

Was I of the right mind? Did I need psychological treatment?  Maybe I did …as the Mommy-guilt was totally irrational and was designed to make me feel bad no matter what I did. And, I was doing it to myself!

 

I needed to change my perspective.  I needed to take a step back and re-evaluate my beliefs and expectations from myself. I needed to give myself a break from the self-criticism and self-blame, and give credit where credit was due … as there was little chance of getting a boost through a pay check or via a promotion in the role of stay-at-home-Mom! However, no matter how much we Moms discussed it, it continued to nag. That is when providence came to Mommy-rescue. I stumbled onto the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) It worked on the emotions and beliefs … just what I needed. I have since used it on Mommy-guilt, feelings of Mommy-inadequacy and so on and I feel the difference. I simply use words related to the issue and then tap on acupressure points given on the web site. The words are varied such as:

- Even though I was not able to pay attention to my littlest child as I was busy driving my older kids to soccer, its OK. I completely and totally accept myself exactly as I am

- Even though I feel overwhelmed by all the things to be done, it’s OK. I deeply and totally choose to love myself

- Even though my children want me to do xxx and I have chosen to spend some time doing things I love, its OK, I choose to allow myself to take care of myself too

- Even though I lost my temper and felt bad about it, it’s OK. I choose to completely love and accept myself.

- And so on.

 

Between EFT (www.emofree.com) and a lot more self-evaluation and self-work, I have re-made myself. Life has become simpler, easier and more joyful. It is easier to draw boundaries and de-stress. I have started valuing myself more, as well as being able to do more of the things I love … and loving (or at least accepting with a fair amount of equanimity) what I have to do. I realized that a lot of the challenges had more to do with me, my perceptions and reactions rather than the “reality”. I was simply not seeing or considering certain possibilities which now became clearer. Acting on them has changed me, my life and my family … and I think for the better. 

 

I value myself enough now to make time for myself. I value myself enough to be able to say, “No”. I value myself enough to hand things back to the kids to do. I value myself enough to hire help when I need it. I value myself enough to not expect perfection from myself. I value myself enough to be compassionate towards myself for my mistakes. And just like you love a toddler learning to eat, who has his food all over his face, chair and the floor … through those experiments, errors and successes, I  choose to love myself and  think that I am wonderful

 

I am still “on call” 24/7 but it does not feel that way. There are gaps and often they are of my making. For this,  I have put structures into place such as a sitter, simultaneous playdates or asking my older kids to play with my 3-year old to keep him busy. In the midst of the dishes, gardening and dropping off kids to playdates and work, life is sweeter and I am finding more of a new me whom I admire and respect. Yes, I deserve rest and play too!

 

 

 

 

It was early morning when I got the call from India. “Mum is unwell. She needs urgent and major surgery.”

 

The realization that my Mom needs me, and the pull to go to India to be there with her during this time is strong. At the same time, the practicality of leaving 2 children (one who is starting middle school) and taking the 3-year old with me through this long trip and then trying to get things done at hospital with him, clashes. Though a daughter, I am still a Mom first. It is not a role I can simply leave and go … at least not for now. I need to balance all the other roles I play in life, in, through and around my role of Mom.

 

Yes, since this role of Mom popped up, it has impacted all the other roles I play in life. As I look back, I realize how much.

 

After my two daughters were born, I used to joke that my husband was so besotted by his “perfect little girlies” that I had been put on the shelf. In truth, he came after the girls too. Between their endless needs, illnesses and my desire to see them smile and laugh (which took me to far away playgrounds, playgroups and more), I found myself nipping out of work for many things. Though my business, which was a baby in itself, took the maximum waking hours of my day, my mind was not 100% there all the time. The work was often a burden, taking away from the things I needed to do for the children. When I was not able to meet my standards of what I needed or wanted to do for them, I felt guilty … yes, they could have had so much more fun or learned so much more if only I was more disciplined, present … etc.

 

Through it all, I realize that I hardly thought of myself. When I was tired, I slept. When I had to do some personal work, I squeezed it in during lunch time at work. Yes, it was the quick hair cuts and the 5-minute dashes to the bank. One luxury was my music class over the weekends – which was my time. Mostly, life became and endless “to dos” or “being done” … or ideally “phew, it’s done”.

 

So the children, consciously or unconsciously, were present everywhere. In all the multiple roles I played in life, they were present.

 

As I took a break from work, stayed at home with my 3 little one, and then got back to work again, I found it made sense to work from home. I remade myself, delighted in the wonderful results I was seeing in people’s lives from the stress-relief work … and yet when people asked me if I worked, it took me a long time to say, “Yes.” In my mind, the half-day work was not really work!! I was still primarily a Mom.

 

As I see the children grow, I realize how important it is for me to see this “omnipresent” role with more detachment. My 10-year old is ready to grow in independent confidence and my 3-year old insists, “I wanna do it myself!”

 

The realization sank deeper when I was working with a client who was living with her grown up son. “I am still telling him what to do,” she groaned. She wanted to bite her tongue but the years of being Mommy to a little one, which was so encompassing, was still part of her. Needless to say, it was not helpful in her relationship with her 27-year-old son.

 

The realization that our dependent little ones, eventually need their independent lives -and we need our independent lives too -  is an essential part of the growing up we need to do as Moms. As the children grow older, remaking ourselves is a constant need to maintain harmony and for their overall growth. While some of us look upon this with dread, I realize that I love the space I have for myself as the children grow. Yes, there is more of me than the all-important-Mommy who is central to my childrens lives. And, I love this special lady who is a cook, gardener, janitor, in-house psychologist/doctor and more i.e. Me. She has come a long way in her adventure and it continues to unfold. Even though she does not always play each role perfectly, isn’t she amazingly wise and wonderful? My hats off to her.

 

If you need some help moving with your child’s independence needs, here are some suggested Emotional Freedom Technique statements that you can use.

-         Even though I still see my child as a little one needing help and guidance, it’s OK. I now choose to see that he/she is older now and capable and ready to do more things himself/herself.

-         Even though I have this strong desire to protect my child from the challenges he/she might face, it’s OK. I choose to see that challenges are part of life and they help us grow. I allow my child to develop his/her own inner muscles by working more things out himself/herself.

-         Even though majority of my thoughts are concerns about the children, it’s OK. I now choose to ... (add what you wish to focus on here).

 

 

 

 

My naturopath is a good friend. I delight in her wisdom and drive to know herself. There is so much I have learnt from her. So when I made a trip to her place, it was not surprising that we started talking about other things.

 

It turned out, that her cleaning lady was away for a while. So instead of hiring another one, she decided to do the cleaning “in-house”. In her typical methodical way, she listed all the jobs the cleaning lady did and allocated the amount she paid her to the various jobs. So the long list included kitchen cleaning, bathroom cleaning … and so on.

 

She then asked her middle-school-daughter if she wanted to do any of these tasks and said that she would pay her the same amount that she paid her cleaning lady. Her daughter took on some of them (it was good money for a 7th grader!), but went, “Eeehyew” to bathroom cleaning. So my naturopath friend she did the bathrooms herself … and paid herself for that too … at cleaning lady rates!

 

I was quite fascinated by this thinking! Paying yourself, from your pocket, market rates for housework?

 

Now my housekeeper was away for two months. With a 3-year old who tends to drop snacks, toys and more all over the house, I was cleaning up again and again. Rushing my elder kids to classes, playdates and more, I had my 3-year old travel everywhere with me with snacks and juice in hand to keep him out of trouble. Then I would rush back to set dinner, get kids ready for bed … and so on. It was a juggle to put it mildly as kids have their own minds, and changing a 3-year-old’s mind from a desire, so that I could get my work done,  can be a challenge! Thought it all, it never even occurred to me to pay myself … or figure out what this was worth.

 

When I say “worth”, I don’t mean dollars only. In our large house, with 3 kids and a husband who often works late into the night, not having my housekeeper to assist meant that I had to give up my “play” which included reading books and also had to cut down or reschedule my work. “Working” hours began when my eyes opened in the morning and ended way after the kids went to bed (yes, there was laundry and dishes to do at that time).

 

So what is this worth? It can’t be a dollar figure only.

 

So, when we play a vast and wide role like Mom, there are so many joys and so much satisfaction … and so many hair-tearing moments as well as things we give up. While some organizations divide up the work done and allocate $ to the time when we play “CEO”, “janitor”, “counsellor”, “nurse” and more, that is only part of the equation. Such studies and reports are designed to make more people (including us Moms!!), realize how much Moms are doing by comparing it to what that would be worth in the business world.

 

I do think that that is important as the next time we do not feel worthwhile, such studies give us a nice big dollar figure to see … which we are not getting.

 

However, the other part is the opportunity cost of what we could be, would love to be … but feel we cannot be due to the demands of the role called Mom.

 

So would I give up my Mommy-role for all that? Not a chance as I do get paid. Today my 3-year old picked up a tiny yellow flower growing in the grass and said, “This is for you Mommy.” That was enough … at least for today :-).

 

 

 

 

 

 

Perfection, Happiness & Good Enough 

 

Life has a way of meandering and turning. Some of the things that looked impossible (such every reaching the unreachable age of 40), have snuck up on me. And, some things that I thought were easy have become remarkably challenging.   One of the key places where life has done a U-turn is my ability to keep people consistently happy. As a kid, it was fairly easy. Being obedient, doing my homework, getting decent grades, smiling … seemed to be all that was needed. If someone needed some help, “Sure,” was the order of the day. I did not ask my parents for much either. They sent me to a music class which I disliked. Not surprisingly, that came to a fairly rapid end. And then I chose to do an art class for a few months and they were happy to pay for that. It was a kind, gentle “Yes” world. 

 

It was not that difficult for my parents too. They were not my de facto full-time drivers after school ended. Nor was I plying them with desires to go ice-skating, horse riding, sleepovers, play dates and more. Friends from the neighborhood walked in. And we walked into their home. It was safe to play outside with them even when no adult was watching.  Life was good. In fact it was excellent!

 

I wrote in my diary, “I will be happy – always.” After all, it was easy to do – and it was at that time. 

 

The first inkling that I had that my life was shifting drastically was marriage. Without realizing it, I  ended up with the hopes, expectations and issues of a whole group of people who expected my decisions to make them happy. If anyone has organized a wedding, one has probably received at least some of this! When I looked at things from their perspective, I could see how their perspectives looked “fine” to them. So I tried to smoothen things over. However, it did not work. I began to realize that they have to decide to be happy. It was not up to me.  

 

Then baby No 1 arrived. Cute, sweet – and so many needs. Breast feeding time (which I was doing on demand) was 8 hours a day … and night. The needs seemed almost continuous and limitless. And even as I rose to the baby’s physical needs and demand, and added cuddling, the playing, the talking and singing and more, there was guilt. Not doing enough. Not being enough. There was also this absurd “stretching” – the Super Me, doing everything else and meeting the baby’s on-going needs by doing things faster, sleeping less and more. 

 

Then there was the advice … don’t pick up the child when she is crying as they get used to it … children don’t cry for nothing you must pick them up and comfort them … So many opposites. Even advice from doctors did not match those from parents and in-laws – and sometimes the advice from parents was working better … and sometimes that of the pediatrician. Here came the arrival of “not knowing what is right” and continuing anyway – as nothing would stop. So decisions had to be, things had to be done regardless.   So was everyone happy? Not really. I remember the pediatrician not being happy when I realized that my daughter was on antibiotics almost every week so I started seeing a naturopath too. I remember parents being shocked at the advice being given by the pediatrician (“No matter what the doctors say, children can catch a cold by going out in the cold.”)   By the time the second child arrived, it was simply not possible to do all the things I wanted to do and felt that I should do.  

 

When baby No 3 arrived, it was amply clear that I really had to look after myself! People were trying to understand but could only see part of the picture – the rest were their own needs and expectations. For example, explanations of why I could not hold my 7-year old daughter the way I held and cuddled the baby, just did not fly far enough. She was sad and felt that I loved the baby more. And no amount of explanations solved the issues. Her needs were her needs.  And she expected Mommy to fulfill her needs. 

 

Looking back now, I realize that I totally lost myself in the midst of meeting others needs and demands – lost in trying to make everyone happy. While some of it was necessary and needed, and still is, I have to give myself space … and time. And, given how full my life is, this is going to come at a cost. I see this clearly when I go for a dinner and my children are at the top of the stairs asking me to come back as soon as I can. 

 

I see clearly that for most of us, there is no end to needs and desires.  To set myself up to be the person fulfilling all of them for everyone in my family, is to set myself up for failure. The more I give and provide, the more the desires grow. So an important part of loving myself is learning to say, “No,” and “This is OK,” (even when I know that this is not the best I can do). It is about giving myself space to be right, wrong, rest, laugh, cry and even be grumpy. So I tell my children (as soon as they are old enough!!!) that happiness is a personal choice. I do not give it to them. They make it for themselves through their thoughts, beliefs and choices. It is as much about looking after themselves as it is about looking after others. And perfection is great. And so is “what is possible”.

 

 (Article by Madhulika Jinsi printed in the Dec 2009 newsletter for the Mom's Club of Potomac.)

 

I’m looking out of my window. The snowstorm has finally ceased. I look at what should be pristine snow and instead there are foot prints everywhere! Who could have come to our house at this time? Then I remember, it is my kids with their cousin, who got snowed in at our home. With a bit of sun, their shoe prints look bigger than normal … or perhaps it is just the bulky fleece-lined boots that they have which make the prints look so big.   I ponder how to get the driveway cleared. It is almost 2 feet of snow and my driveway is long. My husband is travelling. It will take at least 4 hours of shoveling. I really should have bought that snow blower and used it a couple of times yesterday so that there would not have been such a snow pile today. It’s effects are far reaching. There snow is deep just outside my door too. The garage doors are not opening. There is no way to get the car out.  

 

I call my grass-cutter, who does snow shoveling on the side, and he arrives soon with his snow plow. And how do I know he has arrived? My 9-year old rushes into my room, rather upset, and says, “Someone is in our driveway!” I look out and see the snow plow and wonder why this is bothering her. “They are removing the snowwwww!!!” she says in deep distress! Then I get it. For her, snow is not a problem. It is a joy. For me, I’m thinking of the groceries, whether my husband will be able to enter the house as his airport taxi from will not be able to come into the driveway, and more!  I tell her that the driveway needs to be cleared otherwise we cannot get in and out of the house. She still does not get it. After all, she is getting in and out of the house! Those are her boot prints on the snow!!! 

 

Then I try to explain to her how once we did not get the snow on the driveway cleared in time, it turned to ice … and it took hammers and picks to get it off! Also, we once had ice in certain areas till April!  It still does not make sense to her. “Do you remember Home Alone?” she asks me. Off course I do, I had taken them for that movie! “Remember how that boy went grocery shopping and carried the bags all by himself? I can do that!”  I smile. Looking at the joy in her eyes, the endless possibilities, I catch myself and still tell her that the driveway needs to be cleared! After all, there would still be plenty of snow in the backyard and in the front too on the grass!  

 

Then my 4-year old son walks in. He wants to know where “my dog” has gone. A lost pet had wandered into our house a few weeks ago and we fed it and helped find its owner. My kids are still hoping the dog will come back. They had taken that fabulous golden retriever in the snow and had so enjoyed it. As for me, I really felt so stretched that buying a dog for ourselves was still on hold until I felt I could manage it. And yet, I missed that dog too. Just a few days,  he had found a permanent place in all our hearts. As my son goes away imagining what it would be like to be in the snow with “his dog” again, I remember the two of them romping in the snowy yard.

 

 I hear my daughters calling out about the sled now. They are searching for it and can’t find it. In my mind, I feel the thrill of hearing them squeal as they push off the slope in my backyard. Time to go and find the sled and watch the kids while the snow still sparkles in their hearts. 

 (Article by Madhulika Jinsi printed in the Jan 2010 newsletter for the Mom's Club of Potomac.)

 

 

 

It was not so long ago when I got a card for Mother’s Day and little handmade booklet. It had a host of coupons for chores that the kids were willing to do e.g. breakfast in bed (which I did get with the tea in a champagne glass) and washing the car (which is their all time favorite chore and can finish a whole bottle of car cleaning soap ... instead of the normal one inch).  As I got this gift, which they gave with obvious delight, I smiled and hugged them. Yet, within myself a voice wondered if I deserved this.  I actually felt like a pretty bad Mom. It was an area where I did not have expertise.  Sometimes it felt like a struggle. Sometimes I was exhausted. And sometimes, it just delighted me.   Being a Virgo, and a perfectionist, I had seen how my standards for everything had come down more notches than I wanted to count. It was embarrasing. I could see at least 15 things that I needed to do, some of which had not happened in months. I could see that certain things would be so good for my kids - and yet I was not doing them.  And then there was the deck where a wooden board had given way, the windows that would not open (or if they opened, they had to be hammered shut) ... and the other joys that come with a 30-year old house. I knew when I lost my temper at them, it was not always their fault. Sometimes, I had been running some stressful thoughts in my mind and it needed just a small thing to get me going.  At other times, they simply did not know why I was upset, even though it was something I had told them to do ten times and it still was not done.  Sometimes, what I was hoping they would do and what I was trying to get them to do was beyond their level of ability as I do hoped that it would remove one more thing off my plate. At other times, it was something they could clearly do but were not doing.  AT times I felt I was taking away from their fun when I asked them to do chores. Did I really need to ask them? And when they did it grudgingly or tried to get away from them, I could feel myself getting upset. At other times, I felt like I was being used as they could do things but were not. And since they were important, rather than chase them for it, I would simply do them myself.  I felt guilty. I felt they needed to do more. I felt bad. I should be doing better. I was doing too much. I could be doing better. I should know better. I was not putting in enough effort. Was I doing this right? Was I doing this wrong?   It was a long time before I realized that this self-talk was creating my self-identity.  And self-identities, like everything else, are better when created through the eyes of wisdom.  This came home when a friend told me about how some mornings, she ends up losing her temper as she tries to get her kids to school on time. One day, as she raised her voice, she realized that her neighbor could probably hear her. Appalled, the next time she met the neighbor she apologized if her raised voice had messed up the neighbors peaceful morning. The neighbor, a seasoned mother of three, responded by saying, “I’m glad when I hear you. There is too much leeway going on with kids.  You are parenting. It’s good that you are. It is needed!” At that point I realized that I’m a Mom first. I I can be a friend to my kids, wonderful. But that could wait. The role of Mom is much wider, vaster and more complex.  And yes, it is OK to make mistakes. In truth, any Mom who can honestly say that she has never made a mistake in her life? We are trying and that is really the best we can do. We can read books on parenting, ask friends, read blogs - and yet, parenting is an experimental process. We simply do what we can and the best we can - even if it does not feel like the best. And we are always doing that, given our state of mind at that time.   So the key to self-identity and self-love lies in our minds. How does one change that?  We need the skills and tools. Hence, this is our focus moving forward. So while this is the last article in this series, you are all invited to a Mom’s Night where some of these practical tools, that you can use in your day-to-day life, will be demonstrated. So to this Mom's Night and have fun with other bad Moms, fun Moms, mean Moms, tired Moms, relaxed Moms, confused Moms, confident Moms and more. It is all part of the mix as we look at how we can integrate their aspects within ourselves for own sakes, as well as for the benefit of our families.